I’m Fine. But i’m not fine.

I don’t know why it has hit me so hard; it really should have come as no surprise when my test results came back with the worst outcome possible. I don’t believe I have a dark cloud following me or even that if something bad is going to happen it will necessarily happen to me. It just seems, especially of late, that if there is a particularly challenging way for something to get done, that is the route upon which I stumble. Sometimes life just isn’t happy, or easy, sometimes it’s just fucking awful.

I guess if you look at this in terms of either cancer wins or I do, that puts me in a good competitive place to not even consider losing. I’ve always been a statistical outlier and that’s been in my favour in the past. But months doesn’t feel right, it just doesn’t sit right, on more than an emotional level. It just isn’t going to happen and I’ll hold onto that for as long as I have to.

I would like to be able to sit here and say that it’s not affecting me on more than just a physical level, but it is and i’m terrified that i’m going to scar the people around me.
I’ll readily admit It wasn’t my proudest moment when I lost my temper and took it out on the door of the pretentious office where they thought they could just sit me down and tell me what to feel, but I just couldn’t take anymore.
They seem to think that mentally and emotionally i’m not approaching things in the right way, that i’m not taking it seriously enough, that I should be breaking down in their offices and needing them to put me back together. That it’s abnormal that I don’t bring a hoard of people along to my appointments.
Why can’t they just realise that I get to choose how I deal with things, I get to choose if I deal with things. I get to choose if I wallow or if I let things go. I know how capricious cancer is, more than anyone should. I know I am a walking time bomb but that doesn’t mean I want to sit around considering my decrepit future, obsessing about or planning my end of life.  Sometimes all I need is for someone to look me straight in the face and say, “this is fucked!.”

I know it’s not going to be easy. It’s not easy. And I’m definitely not thinking that it isn’t a big deal. And somewhere deep down inside of me I know there will come a time when my mind slows down, and when that happens im sure I will be in for a breakdown. A huge one. It’s the way that I’ve always dealt with things, highly functional in the midst of a crisis, good at compartmentalizing when I need to and getting things done. And then sometime in the future, maybe months, possibly even years later, when the dust has settled everything will come flooding out.
It’s a coping mechanism, a defense maneuver – one that im not even consciously trying to deploy but that just automatically happens. My current way of handling things is to process with language and to feel anger. It’s just me and that is the way that feels right to handle things at this moment. How can that be so wrong?

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2 Responses to I’m Fine. But i’m not fine.

  1. Hi – thank you for the follow. I notice you wrote this a couple of years ago now, though I wanted to say I completely agree with the sentiment – no one at all should tell you how to feel and how to express this – you need to do what you need to do for your own emotional survival.

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