I will never understand this mentality, the assumption that similarity in disease will automatically lead to the formation of a bond, a deep personal connection, like it is a pathological right.
I have never felt that way about any of the other patients, not the ones I have shared rooms with, nor those whose journeys I’ve stumbled upon online. Why should I?
I wish not to be close to them. I am far too aware of the risks that would involve. Losing them, opening myself up to intense feelings, sharing, and the fear that comes along with that. Being reminded all too often that their decay will one day be my own fate too, and their improvements; something which I will never get to enjoy.
They connect far too intensely, I am far more cautious.
I wish not to make connections formed upon the one thing I despise most in this world.
I wish not to be drawn into that web; the one where I develop the need to know how they are. I wish not to have them on my mind, I wish not to become immersed.
I wish not to be sucked into yet another situation where I know I have no control as to how it is going to end.
And so, I will always sit in these sterile cold rooms surrounded by similar individuals, but immensely alone.